Greetings!

Hope you're enjoying your Spring. Other than a surprise snow storm this week, we're having a great one.

In last month's newsletter, we looked at helping your parents get rid of "stuff". Hopefully it went well and they ended up with substantial "toss" and "donate" piles. However, even if only 1 piece of paper got tossed, rest assured, progress was made!

Whether the objective was to de-clutter or prepare for a move now or in the future, at some point, all of the "keep" items will have to be sorted and disbursed. So this month we're going to look at how to disburse family possessions in a way that preserves the future. (Next month we'll look at how to disburse possessions while preserving the past.)

Until next month, enjoy the Spring!

ARTICLE: DISBURSING "STUFF" WHILE PRESERVING FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS

Last month's newsletter, we looked at helping your aging loved ones get rid of "stuff" by doing an initial sort into "keep", "toss", and "donate/give away". Hopefully it went well and they ended up with substantial "toss" and "donate" piles. (By the way, if you missed that issue, it's now on the Archived Newsletter page of my website, www.AgeWiseLiving.com.) However, I'll bet there is still a huge "keep" pile, too!

While it may be obvious to you why some of the items were kept, other items may not be so easy to understand. What they all have in common, however, is their importance to your aging loved one - and in many cases, to other family members, too!

Whether the objective was to de-clutter or prepare for a move now or in the future, at some point, all of the "keep" items will have to be sorted and disbursed. If one person wants an item and your aging loved one wants them to have it - no problem! But when more than one family member wants something, things can get very emotional - and very unpleasant - very fast! At that point, your aging loved one may refuse to get rid of anything. Even worse, there's a potential for long-term, deep resentment which has the potential for damaging - if not destroying - family relationships.

So this month we're going to look at how to disburse family possessions in a way that preserves the future and the past.

HOW? By getting the focus off emotions and onto reason and objectivity - by pro-actively making the following 5 preliminary decisions before any action is taken.

Before proceeding, however, first decide who gets to make the preliminary decisions!

Before throwing open the door like an after Christmas sale, start by creating a "core" group of people who to make the preliminary decisions. Who should be included? While there's no right or wrong answer, hopefully your aging loved one can still be involved - although that's not always the case. In addition, too many people involved in the preliminary planning will derail the process. Therefore, I strongly recommend keeping the core group as small as possible. Having said that, however, I also recommend including all members of a generation. For example, if some siblings are going to be in the core group, then ask all of the siblings (distant sibs can "attend" by phone). They may opt out but at least they will have been asked.

Once this core group has been established . . .

1) Set some ground rules
Often family members are so "comfortable" each other that they forget to be as courteous to their family as they are with friends or even strangers. Establishing ground rules up front such as how everyone will treat each other, will help to avoid anyone feeling as if they're being "punished" should issues have to be addressed later on.
For example:
~ That you will be honest and considerate with each other
~ That everyone will be allow to have a say and will be completely heard before a decision is made
~ That individual group members won't make any alliances or "secret pacts"

2) Agree on what is important to the group
One of the saddest things I see in my work is families torn apart because of disagreements over possessions. To avoid that, agree on what is important and get a commitment from everyone that everything the group does and every decision the group makes will be based on the answer.
For example:
~ To preserve and maintain family relationships (between sibs and generations)
~ To preserve and maintain family history, memories, and traditions.
~ To preserve the family reputation & privacy (personal information about your family that you don't want aired in public)
~ To share knowledge & experience with future generations (such as sewing or woodworking)

3) Agree what "fair" means
When asked "what's important", most families will say they just want everything to be "fair". Fair is good but "fair" usually means different things to different people. So, based on the previous answer, determine what "fair" means.

For example, when it comes to dividing up family possessions, does fair mean equal? Equal what? Equal number of items? Equal dollar value? Equal emotional value? Should the person putting in more caregiver time get preferential treatment? Should the person putting in more money get preferential treatment? Should the oldest choose first? Should spouses, steps, grandchildren, partners, significant others, etc. get an equal share? Any share?

Again, there's no right or wrong answer as long as the core group agrees. This may take some negotiation but it's important that you all agree before proceeding.

4) Agree on how the items will be divided up
There are lots of different ways to divide up possessions that are both fair and fun. For example, give each person an equal amount of "play" money and let them "bid" what they want. When they're out of "money", they're out of the game! Or draw names out of a hat and let each person select an item they want in the order their name was drawn. Once everyone has drawn once, put the names back into the hat and draw again and so on.

5) Agree on how disputes will be settled
Ideally, because of the previous steps, disputes will be at a minimum. However, you'll want to determine up front how the group will settle disputes . . . just in case! Whether you decide for example, to draw straws, pull a name out of a hat, do rock/paper/scissors, this is the area where "what's important" to the group will be critically important.

The preliminary work can take some time, and many family members - especially those who are close - think this preliminary planning isn't necessary. However, if "what is important" is to preserve and maintain family relationships, then the more time you spend on these 5 preliminary steps now, the more likely it will be that you will have as good - if not better - relationships in the future.

Finally, don't put off this preliminary planning because there's no need now. Remember. . . the more you can do now, the less there is to do later!

Upcoming Seminars

For lots more information about this and many other important eldercare issues, attend an AgeWiseLiving seminar. For upcoming dates and locations, please go to Seminars. Space is filling fast, though, so reserve your space now!

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