Greetings!

The leaves here in New York are just beginning to change. Truly a magical time! Hope your Fall is off to a beautiful start, too!

I have a real treat for you. This month's article was written by a friend of mine who is sharing with us her personal experience of moving in with her daughter and son-in-law. We don't often get the opportunity to hear what the parent is going through so I can't thank her enough for sharing her story. In addition, she has added some suggestions to help family members as they consider this complex option.

Before you read her story, I want to remind you to SAVE THE DATE - Wednesday, October 11th from 7 to 8p Eastern time. That's when I'll be doing the first of my 2-part teleseminar, You're Not Hearing What I'm Saying - Communicating Across the Generations. (There was just too much to fit it all in 1!) The second half You're Not Hearing What I'm Saying - Communicating Through the Emotions will be on Wednesday, November 8th from 7 to 8p Eastern time.) All the information to attend is on the enclosed sheet. Hope you can join us.

Until next month, have a Happy Halloween!

ARTICLE: MOVING IN WITH MY DAUGHTER

In April 2006, I moved in with my daughter and her new husband. I was not in the best of shape at the time. In January my only brother died. Three weeks later, my husband of 53 years passed away. Two months later I reluctantly put the boat on which we had been living for the past three and a half years up for sale. I say reluctantly because living on the water, even in a marina, was special. However, the maintenance and electronics were daunting and more than I felt I could handle comfortably.

My daughter invited me to live with them in their new large house, 125 miles away, an arrangement we all agreed would be an interim one. Actually, I was the one who suggested it because at the time it appeared that her husband was going to be taking a job with such a long commute that he could only come home on weekends. As it turned out, that job did not materialize and both of them worked from home. Had his original job come through, I would have probably taken care of the household, certainly the meals because my daughter doesn't like to cook and I do. But since her husband also likes to cook and he was home almost every day, I spent little time in the kitchen.

Although they protested, I insisted on contributing to the household expenses. I would also buy groceries from time to time and take them out to dinner. I had a lovely large room with its own entrance, my own bath, and lots and lots and lots of time. I made freshly-squeezed orange juice every morning, I emptied the dishwasher as needed, and I took the dog for a walk to the mailbox every afternoon. Fortunately, I had volunteered to embroider and sew two major projects for my former synagogue, which kept me occupied for hours at a time.

The area in which they live is about an hour's drive inland from San Diego, a rural area where land is plentiful and houses are being built rapidly, but few amenities are yet available. It is ten miles to the nearest supermarket and a 30-minute drive to the nearest town of any size. My HMO was not available there. To visit my doctor was a 2 1/2 hour drive.

When I first went there, I thought I might settle nearby and start a new life. I felt everyone from my former life was the same and I was different; I wasn't sure if I could fit in any more. But as time went on, I realized that I missed old friends and familiar surroundings more than I thought I would. Even when we lived on the boat, it was close to the community in which we had lived for almost 40 years and our roots were deep.

The five months I spent with my daughter and son-in-law were a time of healing which I so badly needed. But I had to have a place of my own, to look after myself, to begin the rest of my life. On September 15, my 74th birthday, I moved into a two-bedroom apartment. I've come back home.

There has been a lot written lately about adult children opting to live with their parents, but little about elderly parents becoming part of their children's households. Most often this occurs when a parent is suffering from a loss. It may have been caused by the death of a spouse, a change in health, not being able to renew a driver's license, having to put down a cherished pet, a financial setback, losing possessions through fire or flood -- the cause may not be as important as the effect on your parent: depression, malaise, withdrawal.

Naturally, you are concerned, especially if you live far away. Your first impulse may be to have your parent come live with you. It's a generous and caring idea. However, if it isn't the only possible option, before you make that offer, here are some things to consider:

1. How do other members of your household feel? Is this a parent who not only finds fault with you, but also doesn't hesitate to find fault with others in your life? If the parent's visits in the past have usually been stressful, then a permanent stay will even be worse.
   
   
2. Even if the rest of the family agrees this is a good idea, how does your parent feel?

   Does s/he have a circle of friends and/or is active where s/he lives? If so, will a new community have similar opportunities? Are they easily accessible? Have you checked out these places alone or when your parent has come for a visit?
   
   Will your parent feel comfortable in a household that may be noisier and messier? Will pets pose a problem?
   
   Will your parent be able to have a room of his/her own?

3. Here are a few things to agree upon before your parent moves in:
   
   Is this a temporary stay? If so, for approximately how long?
   
   Will your parent contribute financially to the household? (Sometimes even if you don't need the money, your parent will feel better helping out if he or she can afford it.)
   
   Will your parent do some chores: cooking a set number of meals, picking up the kids from school, yard work, pet care, etc.? This is a hard one because it involves role reversal. Most parents don't want to feel like guests, yet it's a fine line between helping and interfering. When you ask your parent for help, either explain exactly how you want it done or let your parent do it his or her way and don't complain if you don't like it.

4. Ask yourself if your parent moving in is the only choice or are there other options?
   
   If you check out community resources for seniors online, you may be surprised at how much is available. A few things to consider are visiting nurses, meals on wheels, low-cost taxi fares, and senior centers or Y's with educational and recreational programs.
   
   If you and your parent feel it is better to live close by, but not as part of your household full time:
   
   
   • Look into 55-plus communities nearby. Some range from completely independent living to various levels of assisted care all at the same facility.
     
     
   • A apartment nearby, possibly shared. Look for someplace near public transportation and, if possible, with a market within walking distance.
     
     
   • Creating a small apartment unit on your premises with its own kitchen and entrance (an add-on, a remodeled garage) so your parent can live as independently as possible. (Though this may be more challenging if your parent will count on you for all meals and his/her entire social network.)
     
     
5. And finally, agree up front to revisit these living arrangements every 3 to 6 months. Look at what's working and what's not and make revisions accordingly.
   

Copyright © 2000-2008 AgeWiseLiving, LLC

Upcoming Seminars

For lots more information about this and many other important eldercare issues, attend an AgeWiseLiving seminar. For upcoming dates and locations, please go to Seminars.

MANAGING YOUR SUBSCRIPTION